Sometimes, we think changing our surroundings will fix our problems. We move to a new place, find new friends, or start a new job, hoping things will get better. But very often, a change of self is needed more than a change of scene. I learned this lesson when I joined Al-Anon, a support group for people affected by someone else’s drinking. The principles and steps of Al-Anon helped guide me to a solution, and for the first time in my life, I couldn't blame others for my problems anymore.
Looking for Answers in the Wrong Places
For a long time, I thought my problems were caused by the people around me. If only they would change, I would be happy. If they treated me better, if they listened to me, if they stopped drinking, my life would be different. I believed that my struggles were someone else's fault. I was angry, hurt, and tired.
I tried to change my surroundings. I avoided certain people, started over in new places, and looked for happiness outside of myself. But no matter where I went, the same feelings followed me. I realized that running away wasn't the answer. Something deeper had to change—me.
Finding Al-Anon
When I first went to an Al-Anon meeting, I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it would be a place to complain about the people who hurt me. But instead, I heard something completely different. People were talking about themselves—how they had changed, how they had found peace, and how they had stopped trying to control others.
I listened as they shared their struggles and victories. They weren’t blaming others for their problems. They were taking responsibility for their own lives. I had never thought about doing that before. It was both scary and freeing.
Learning the Steps
Al-Anon follows Twelve Steps, similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. These steps guide people toward healing and growth. The first step was one of the hardest for me to accept:
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
At first, I didn’t want to believe I was powerless. I thought if I tried hard enough, I could fix everything. But the more I fought to control others, the more exhausted and frustrated I became. Finally, I had to admit that I couldn’t control anyone but myself.
The next steps helped me turn my focus inward. Instead of blaming others, I started looking at my own actions, reactions, and choices. I began to see how my thinking and behavior had played a role in my problems.
One of the most powerful steps for me was Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This step was life-changing. I had to honestly look at myself—my fears, my mistakes, my resentments. I had always focused on what others had done wrong, but now I was seeing my own patterns. This was the first time I truly stopped blaming others for my problems.
Taking Responsibility
As I continued working through the steps, I felt a shift inside me. Instead of waiting for others to change, I started changing myself. I set boundaries, practiced self-care, and learned to let go of anger and resentment.
For the first time, I felt peace. I didn’t have to fix anyone else. I didn’t have to control everything. I was responsible for me, and that was enough.
A New Kind of Freedom
Al-Anon taught me that peace doesn’t come from changing my surroundings. It comes from changing my attitude, my actions, and my heart. I used to believe that if other people changed, I would be happy. Now, I know that true happiness comes from within.
If you’re struggling with someone else’s choices, I want you to know that you’re not alone.
And you don’t have to wait for them to change for you to find peace. The answer isn’t in running away—it’s in looking inward, taking responsibility, and finding strength within yourself.
Today, I am grateful for Al-Anon, the Twelve Steps, and the lessons that helped me change. I no longer need to blame others for my problems. Instead, I focus on the one person I can change—myself.
If you are with people and they only can look backwards and hate is their message you are stuck and have not worked the steps and traditions. Find peace and love in the 12 steps feel the freedom of letting go and letting God enjoy your journey you gottawanna walk in purpose and with love.
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